winter

My heart is heavy...two of my dearest friends have suffered a very bitter and ill-deserved blow, the last in a series, and it makes me sad such sorrow should rain down upon them again. They told me their news and it made me cry in the car on the way to the gig I was due to play. I'm just waiting for the Chelsea and Kensington borough driving-in-the-bus lane fine.

The gig itself was in a grim venue, claggy watery grey-green light dribbling across a depressing basement. It's funny how great the spectrum of experience is-externally there is little difference between the gig I did last week at biddle's and the one this week. Both were unpaid, reasonably casual affairs. But at biddle's the curator of the evening really cared about what he was doing, and I had a great time, saw some other nice music, generally felt the effort in turning up and craft in the songs was acknowledged. This week at the other venue which will remain nameless, there was such an atmosphere of not caring. No-one was there apart from the bands until about 2 mins before our set, when thankfully some friends poured in. I am reading zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance at the moment and greatly enjoying this concept of 'quality'-which he associates with giving a shit about what you're doing-not exactly the same as saying it's the thought that counts, but nonetheless giving an appropriate weight to the force and effect of intention. There was quality aplenty at biddles, and none save that which we brought at the other. It does actually make me really cross-there isn't any alternative to playing free gigs in London if you want to get your stuff out there, but there is a huge difference in playing a gig where the promoter acknowledges the effort expended and one in which they somehow suggest you're lucky to have this brilliant opportunity to showcase your material and as well as playing for free you bring people, do this, do that, not play other shows for x amount of time...

I am also experiencing considerable frustration in my relationship and the difficulty of knowing of at what point does one draw the line when the potential in a situation remains frustratingly latent, despite (or maybe even because) of your repeated efforts to draw it out. Ekhart Tolle (The Power of Now-fascinating book) is not the first person to point out the necessity to be accepting...but how do you combine generous acceptance of another person with a healthy self-respect of what the minimum return should be on the energy and attention you lavish on another person? When do you decide that you will never reap more than scraps and crumbs from it, on which you cannot thrive, even if you thought you glimpsed all kinds of fruitful pastures? At the moment it feels like I am being beckoned with one hand and pushed away with the other, which is confusing & frustrating. I experience him as needing a lot of validation, but resenting my attention and my request that I should be entitled to expect anything from him. I feel like the energy I put out disappears into some kind of black hole and I don't know if there's any point. But I love him as I have until now loved no-one else, and if there's a way it could be progressed to the benefit/respect of both, I'd take it.